I know.

Damn it, Life, don't you have at least one shred of direction left to spare? No?

Not even the tiniest dregs?

Fuck.

In other news, you know how they say "Once you go black, you never go back"?

Well, right now, this is me saying "Once you've been in a relationship, it FUCKING HURTS to go back".

A hurt that's more like a wart-on-the-sole-of-your-foot-that-never-really-goes-away kind of hurt than a stab-to-the-chest kind of hurt. One's fucking annoying and lasts forever, while the other hurts like a bitch but is done and over with quick.

I feel like I'm Adam tasting the forbidden fruit for the first time, experiencing the sweetest sensations and enjoying them so much to the point where I couldn't get enough of it. Then, like anything you can't get enough of, it became an addiction. I was an addict, for this intangible they call 'Love'.

You wanna know what I call it? Emotional Crack.

And once you're off it, you recede into this cold turkey state, craving for more to satiate the appetite of that little monster you've bred within you out of that addiction. But you decide to exercise restraint to show yourself and other people that you ARE still in control of that fucking monster. And maybe, just maybe, that you're not that desperate.

And so I look at all these couples around me, and I'm telling you: I ENVY YOU BASTARDS.

You have, like, a lifetime supply of emotional crack! All the crack you'll ever need!

Hell, if I could I'd ask some of you if you could share it with me, but unfortunately emotional crack doesn't work that way. Well, for some people it does but to me, that's just wrong.

So like any self-respecting addict, I'll have to earn it for myself. But I'll be damned if it didn't cost me SO DAMN MUCH every fucking time!

You emotional crack dealers need to do some market adjustments pronto. Geez.

Superhappyfuntimes are abound!

Of hopes and dreams that never last,

While all of these will come to pass

The sun won't say no.

A bond forged in tears,

Sheathed in fears

and happyness

Though you can never really tell

It's like never really finding

the bottom of a well

or the light at the end of the tunnel.

But one thing you can truly know,

The sun won't say no.

The rising of emotion

The setting of passion

The glimmer of hope over the horizon

That disappears as soon as you begin to notice.

But then the next day

You look back

and it's still there.

No matter, if you wanted it when it's not

or didn't when it is.
The sun won't say no.

The sun won't ever say no,

So I can't help but wonder

Why did you?

The fact that you can pluck any sort of imaginable tune and it could still sway the most hardened of hearts; the fact that a single instrument can move and give rise to so many emotions like how no other instrument can.

The fact that it's a welcome distraction from dwelling on the funk that was my previous post. Yes, my readers, it was uncalled for, and I'm sorry.

I am constantly amazed by what I can learn on the guitar, and I really have to extend a HUGE kudos to the two people who actually got me started on it in the first place: Imran and Haiqal. Without your basics and impromptu 'lessons', I could not have gotten anywhere with this incredible instrument.

Just today I saw a most beautiful performance on American Idol by Tim Urban. He performed Can't Help Falling In Love by Elvis Presley on, you guessed it, the guitar. And , despite the honestly depressing notions conveyed by the song, that familiar feeling that always came to me whenever my interest was piqued and my mind was set on reproducing something of a similar nature - it came to me again. I picked up the guitar, put the capo on the 4th fret, and started to imitate how he played on screen.

Granted, this was highly unoriginal, but hey, didn't they say imitation was the best form of flattery?

It was then that I realised how much I was missing out when, back in secondary school when most of my friends started picking up the guitar, and all I did was watch them play and occasionally sing along if I knew the song. I guess the deviant in me didn't want to be into what everyone else was into back then.

It's 2010, and my love affair with the guitar has just begun.

Unrelated note: If you're reading this, you'll probably realise I didn't have the balls to say this to you personally. And that it probably doesn't mean as much as it should.

But it does. And what I CAN say is, I really had no idea something like that would affect your mood so drastically, but then I guess springing it on you at such short notice didn't really help the situation much either.

So I'm sorry.

Really.

Really really sorry.

And you really don't have to find a buyer for those tickets. In fact, just forget about 'em. I'll be cool with it, really.

Not just physically, but in everything else.

I'm tired of not being good at shit I want to be good at.

I'm tired of looking at other people and the only thing I'm able to see is what they have that I don't.

I'm tired of constantly forgetting to be thankful for what I do have.

I'm tired of always trying to be someone else in front of people who I, quite frankly, don't give a fuck about;

And I'm tired of always coming up short for those people that I do care about.

I'm tired of being forced into this perpetual cycle of laziness and procrastination and worry, all of which is making me tired.

I'm tired of wanting to please but never really being pleasing.

I'm tired of noticing but never really being noticed.

I'm tired of expressing...and it scares me.

Because I used to love to express, but instead of being understood I get mocked.

I don't want to give it up, but somehow it's become such that these days, self-expression only buys you looks that patronise and hardly those that encourage.

And most of all, I'm tired of doubting myself.

Now, if I could just find that 'Reset' button...

Life without music...unimaginable.

I've been practising a lot on the guitar these past few days, and I'm surprised at how much better I've become since I first started. Well, considering I knew zilch about tabs and frets and most of all CHORDS, I'd say I've done pretty well since then. I've been meaning to really study and memorise the strings and the fret notes, but never really got round to it. I guess I'm just content playing by both ear and eye for now. Just don't quiz me on what chord I'm playing because I HAVE NO IDEA. =P

Californication by the Red Hot Chilli Pepper has been a joy to practise, though I think my mom's just about had it with hearing the first few notes repeated for the 128371927812938th time. Let Me Go by 3 Doors Down's gonna be my next endeavour, from the looks of it. Them power chords are quite a bitch to the pinky finger. ='(

Other than guitar and Sambateria practice and periodic gymming and jogging and getting my driving license, I haven't really done anything since school ended. And I'm getting tired of the excuse "I'm waiting for my NS letter before I start planning anything else"; both giving it and listening to it.

Damn you letter, why don't you just appear in my letterbox already?!

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